I can never forget when, during a group discussion session in my doctoral training, a fellow therapist broke down crying in front of the class. She was in the middle of discussing a patient when she could no longer hold back the tears – it was as if the floodgates had just opened. As she tried to gather herself, she narrated how she had been deeply impacted and disturbed by a patient.
 
The patient, a college student, was seeking therapy because his mother had passed away suddenly in a car accident. He was in the car while she was driving and he survived without much harm.  He was trying to deal with the trauma and loss, while trying to go on with life as he managed studies and a part-time job.
 
My classmate had lost her own mother when she was a teenager and somehow this patient’s deep sorrow reminded her of her own grief.  This was understandable. As therapists, some patients evoke strong emotions within us, especially when they bring emotional material into therapy that we can personally relate to.
 
It is said that the foundation of good therapy is when the therapist has empathy and genuine care for the client or patient. Therapists usually try to understand, from the patient’s perspective, how the patient is feeling and what it is like to be in their position.
 
However, this very sense of empathy and desire to get a close understanding can sometimes have a profound impact on the therapist herself or himself, especially if the experience the patient is sharing is one that the therapist has had too. For instance, a therapist who has a family member with special needs or on the autism spectrum might find it very difficult to work with children or adults with a similar disorder.
 
The first example I wrote above was related to the death of a loved one, which is the worst-case scenario. I, myself, can never forget the patient I saw a few years ago when I was in the USA. I’ve lived and worked there for over a decade now. Living away from most family and friends wasn’t easy and had taken quite a bit of adjustment. This patient was an immigrant herself and often talked about how she missed her family.
 
Interestingly, what evoked the strongest emotions within me was when she told me details of how her family had visited and she had spent a wonderful time with them. It left me feeling deprived and longing for mine to be with me!

Such overlap of experiences can evoke emotions that the therapist is left to deal with herself. We are all human. Therapist and patients alike, we all have ups and downs, joys and sorrows, good and bad days. Now, for any individual, a good way to deal with these trials and tribulations of daily life is to seek therapy, or what we popularly call counseling. But what does the therapist do?   
 
How do we as therapists deal with this? I always preach “self-care” to junior therapist I supervise. This includes going in for supervision or one’s own therapy when possible, to discuss such difficult situations. Other forms of self-care I have personally practiced are having a dedicated hobby that can help channelize the emotional upheaval. For years I would regularly go for a run and practice ceramics at a nearby studio. The slow process of turning a piece of clay into a meaningful object gave me immense satisfaction and taught me patience. Other therapists I know sometimes limit the number of patients they see in a day so that the emotional work doesn’t get overwhelming, while others ensure that they make time to “switch off” by socialising with friends who are not from the psychological circle.
 
The type of self-care we indulge in as therapists varies from person to person but I believe it’s essential for therapists to be aware that they need to take care of themselves just as they would take care of their clients or patients. Being a therapist doesn’t make one any less human and the sooner we acknowledge that, the more likely we are to cater to our own needs so that we can be more emotionally available for our clients. Attending to our own patienthood is the only way we can truly connect with our patients. In the end, that’s what really matters.

The writer is co-founder and chief scientific officer wayForward Health (India) & PsyInnovations Inc. (USA)
The views expressed are personal